Dear B: Please help me before I go insane! I want my 10-year-old son Ian to grow up to be a Great Canadian Author, and so I've been giving him a copy of every new Canadian novel. But all he does is rip them up and make confetti out of them! What should I do? Do you think my son is possessed by Satan?

Dear Horrified: Not to worry. From your description, Ian probably has a case of premature criticitis, an adult syndrome that compels the affected book reviewer to mercilessly destroy all new books. Ian should fit right into the entertainment department of your local newspaper; and if that doesn't pan out, there'll always be a place for him at Books in Canada.

Dear B: My husband is getting really depressed. Everybody else on his bowling team is having a collection of their poetry published this year, but his manuscript just keeps getting rejected. And he's a good poet too - he dashed this one off just last night:

With talent like this, why can't he find a publisher?

Dear Cheesed Off in Calgary: Although I know it sounds unlikely, there are Canadian poetry manuscripts that don't get published. You wouldn't believe it from all the poetry books reviewed in Books in Canada's "Poets' Corner," but it does happen, even in the best of families. But don't despair: if your husband keeps on writing poetry of the quality of "Strikes'n'Spares," he'll find a publisher for sure.

Dear Bicky: Help! My wife locked herself in the bathroom with the latest issue of Books in Canada and won't come out! What should I do?

Dear Worried in Wawa: Funny thing, we've been running into this problem a lot since we switched to a more absorbent paper stock. But we don't know what people are doing in all those bathrooms, and to tell you the truth we don't really care; our newsstand sales are way up, especially in Toronto, where it looks like they really know how to make use of us!